In a section on the paradox of seriousness and the playfulness of paradox: Seriousness is what Edwin Friedman calls, "…more than an attitude; it is a total orientation, a way of thinking embedded in constant, chronic anxiety. It is characterized by lack of flexibility in response, a narrow repertoire of approaches, persistent efforts to try harder, an inability to change direction, and a loss of perspective and concentrated focus." In such serious families, Friedman says, any incident small or large can cause a flare up in this anxiety. One may assume that it was the incident that caused the problem, when in fact, it is the way those in the family react to and think about the incident that really give it its inflammatory power. (Generation to Generation, p. 50)

The more I learn myself, the more I realize that beauty is in the mind of the brain-holder. We are what we believe, what we think about every day. When we see beauty and complexity and joy, we become grateful and know the love of God. When we see agony and problems and pain, we can get lost in a sea of despair. Attitudes matter a great deal. And seriousness kills - according to Friedman's research. We think we've got it right to spare someone from hurt or upset, and yet, it's not getting difficult news that will wound us, it's the chronic anxiety that comes from hiding and ducking behind all the don'ts Paul mentions that we find ourselves doing.

The law of the Old Testament was given to humankind for loving reasons. It does soul damage to act out in adultery, theft, envy, and murder. But as Paul finds out for himself, forgiveness is even bigger than that. Jesus brought a message of light to a dark world - to Paul's world. The love of Jesus changed Paul's life such that he viewed even his former life as a persecutor of Christians through the eyes of a loving God who could save him from that mess.

Both the Bible and Friedman have another commonality - teaching in mini-stories, in vignettes that pack a moral punch. From Matthew we read today about a person who was offered a big second chance. The king of the story forgives the servant a huge debt that would have been impossible to pay even in the rest of his life, but he doesn't learn from this gift. Instead, he goes right out of the courtroom and sees a fellow servant who owes him a small amount and hassles him for the money. Sometimes we just don't learn to open our options and find gratitude.

But Friedman occasionally gives a more hopeful picture. His observation is that you can't make another family member responsible by trying to make him or her responsible (49), and yet with playfulness, sometimes we can encourage someone close to us toward a new perspective.

Here's an example Friedman life-lesson -

A good husband and dedicated father found that his wife had chronically been having affairs. He took her once to a marriage counselor, but she refused to go again. He continued for two years, desperately trying to make her see the light. He showed anger. He threatened. He tried making her jealous. At his wit's end, ready to throw in the towel, he heard a discussion at church about how families never teach their members to push one another away. We are trained to hang on to others or withdraw. Pushing people we care about at others, or into activities we don't care about, is almost inconceivable. When a relationship is caught in a skid, we almost never think to turn the wheel the other way.

The next day, when the husband came home, he found his wife on the phone. Predictably, she hung up quickly. Resisting the urge to berate her, he said, "Listen honey, I know you want some privacy. I'll go for a walk around the block." Predictably, the wife's behavior escalated. At the end of the week, she informed him she was going to Miami to visit an old boyfriend. He went to a travel agency and got her brochures on places to have fun in Southern Florida, adding some suggestions based on his own experience. She took them without comment and flew off, returned within three days, and announced that she had a terrible time. The following week she joined him in counseling and continued long after he dropped out.

For what it's worth, taking ourselves too seriously, or as Paul puts it - getting so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all our day-by-day obligations that we lose track of time and dose off - keeps us in those loops of destruction. The way out is love, love for ourselves, love for others, and love for God. Those seem like competing interests, and sometimes they are. In Friedman's research he describes this playfulness of relationship health by saying that we need both closeness and distance in our relationships to stay balanced. We can get too close and hang on to the people near to us in smothering ways, or we can get too far away breaking off relationships through stress and anger. Both keep us locked into patterns that are hard to break.

In breaking down the illustration, Friedman talks about the need for people to be challenged to become their best selves. We grow through the pain of recognizing our own mistakes. The Bible calls it repentance. My friends, salvation is not just for the end times; salvation happens today when we wake up and get dressed in Christ instead of putting on our old familiar clothes - the grudges, the pain, the awkwardness. And I can tell you that what works for individuals, helps raise the outlook in families, in congregations, and maybe even in nations and around the world. "The night is about over," Paul says, "The dawn is about to break."

Or if you prefer another epic story - in the latest production of the Batman saga, fictional politician, Harvey Dent says to a rapt audience, "The night is darkest just before the dawn." The popularity of this film strikes me with the similarity that we too live in a very dangerously serious society. We are caught up in taking care of the day-to-day so much that our repetition and stuckness in relationships prevents us from seeing the bigger picture. Who has time these days to ponder the finishing touches of salvation? Who has the extra cash to not only pay our debts but to forgive the debts of others? The debt we really owe others, Paul reminds us, is a debt of love. Our price has been paid. The choice is there - love others as God has loved us, or shake down our fellow human beings for their affection.

When we renew our commitment to love, the law comes easy. We see how the practices of gentle community do give us signs that the dawn is about to break. But this kind of love takes practice, diligence, and sometimes even re-education as to what gospel love, good news kind of love looks like. It takes trust in a loving God to be playful when serious is too often the name of the game. So I encourage you to play a little in your relationships. Try options you might not have considered before to get past the same old, same old. Surprises happen. The grace of God can freshen up any room. May God bless you with the dawning of new light!

Amen.